Relationships That Heal 


Defining a Biblical Marriage

“If you are willing to serenely bear the trail of being displeasing to yourself, then you will be for Jesus, a pleasant place of shelter.” St Theresa of Lysieux


The Biblical View of Marriage

The classic text in the Bible of how God understands marriage is found in Ephesians 5:21-33. Knowing and understanding this passage will help us to know what it means to be in a Christian marriage. What does God, who instituted and ordained marriage expect from us as a married couple?

Created by God, marriage is an institution that operates under the commandments of God. Marriage as an institution may wax and wane in our culture but it is my belief that it is here to stay. Marriage is an institution ordained by God, this means you must obey His rules or pay the penalty for breaking those commands.


The Essence of Marriage is a Promise.

The first principle we discern in Ephesians Chapter 5 is that the essence of marriage is the making of a covenant. In Biblical terms, a covenant is a binding and legal contract between two parties. Covenantal love then is a binding commitment, a promise to be tender, faithful, and caring. This promise, which is at the heart of marriage, says no matter what happens in life, I will be there for you. Dr. Tim Keller of the Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City says, “This promise is like making an appointment with yourself for the future.” This type of promise creates “an oasis of predictability in a completely unpredictable world.” It provides a secure base of trust and confidence necessary for a relationship to grow and thrive.


Thornton Wilder (1897-1975) the American playwright so beautifully put what a promise to marriage really means in his play, By the Skin of Our Teeth;

“I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And that promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was that promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t a house that protected them, and it wasn’t our love that protected them – it was that promise.”


The Goal in Marriage is Overcoming Our Self-centeredness

Perhaps the main problem in marriage is our own fallen self-centeredness. Ephesians 5:21 instructs us to “submit ourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ.” St. Paul’s prescription to submit to the other is possibly the hardest part of marriage. Putting the needs of your spouse before your own is certainly not instinctive. The power needed to put others first comes only from the Holy Spirit.

C.S. Lewis described the battle we face against our self-centeredness in his book, The Problem of Pain, when he said, “We are not merely imperfect creatures who must be improved; we are rebels who must lie down our arms.” That is, to lay down our self-centeredness, our self-serving living, to stop our rebellion and submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.


The Purpose of Marriage is Companionship

Marriage was designed by God to be a friendship. God created Eve because Adam was lonely, therefore your spouse should be your best friend. Being best friends means you have intimate knowledge of your spouse's world; you know their friends, what’s troubling them at work, what they worry about, and the people in their life who are helpful and the ones that are causing them pain.

Genesis 2:24 addresses this idea of marital friendship when it says a husband and wife are to be “one flesh.” Becoming one flesh means to become one person spiritually, physically, and psychologically, in a sense you become a new entity. It does not mean we lose our individuality however.


Marriage is the Priority of Your Life

The last principle is that nothing comes before your marriage in terms of your time and attention. Leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife. This does not mean your children, job, friends, hobbies, siblings, or parents but your spouse. God did not put a child and parent in the garden, but a husband and a wife. Therefore the primary relationship in your life must be your marriage.
The Great Danger – Idolizing your Marriage

Finally, it is easy to fall into the mistake of idolizing your marriage. Even though marriage is the priority of your life, it should only be your secondary source of joy, security and significance. Marriage was never meant to bear that much weight and responsibility, even a good marriage cannot meet all those expectations and if you bring them to your marriage you will not only be frustrated, you will crush your partner. Only God can be the primary source of your joy and meaning in life.




Dale M. Hayden, MS. MA.